Second Drafts

And Now, Melancholy

Every now and then, my melancholy gets the best of me and things go a little gray here on the blog. Maybe it's the rainy weather we're currently experiencing over all of Spring Break (or just the fact that I haven't really been able to take one), but I'm a little down.

No need to feel sorry for me, though (I'm quite capable of doing that on my own). Some things I've heard myself thinking of late (perhaps you can relate and at least know you're not alone):

• I increasingly find myself chained to my laptop. While I love my Mac product(s), I don't like being inseparable from them. True, all it takes is shutting the lid, but so much of what I do requires time on it that it's beginning to lose its luster.
• The amount of time spent thinking about life outside these United States continues to dwindle as I get older. Part of this is has to do with plenty of other thoughts occupying my head; part of it has to do with the fact that there is just no way to afford such travel anyway, so why bother? I want to care more about the world, but I don't.
• Speaking of money, it's wearying watching people throw money at things that don't matter (and I'm not just talking about our federal and state governments), especially when I have so many better ideas of what they could do with it. My heart is living in Psalm 73 these days.
• Our yard is little more than weeds right now, and after the rain of the past 24 hours, the weeds are all submerged in a big swamp. I want to care about property, but when things happen beyond my control, it becomes more of a challenge.
• I'm thinking about lighting my desk on fire so as to gain a fresh start there (it's amazing to me how far I've fallen in this area of organization, particularly when I think of past posts like this one).
• The idea of ever writing a book again is, at best, as or more fleeting as my cluttered attention span. (Sadly, the same could be said for ever reading one again as well.)
• I continue to see my many failures as a husband and father and wonder how our family is really going to turn out when it's all said and done. Being married and parenting is hard and I wish I were better at both.

So there you have it - a collection of (mostly) first world problems that I'm even embarrassed sharing (yet another contributor to my funk of late). Of course, there are deeper issues beneath these scenarios, so pray I can recognize and offer them to God and regain some hope in my fallen perspective.

That is all.

(Melancholy (1891) painting by Edvard Munch)

Some Blessings...No Turning Back

A couple weeks ago, I lamented that I had Some Regrets...No Doubts about our move to Oklahoma. As promised at the end of that entry, it's time to write the follow-up post.

Today marks 100 days on the job as Head of School of Veritas Classical Academy. In making it this far, I've been so grateful for the kindness, care, and friendship shown to my family, and the many prayers and expressions of support for my leadership at Veritas. During the past 100 days, I’ve listened – to parents and students, to faculty and staff, to our Board of Directors and the Lord – to learn what of the past seven years has made the school who we are now, all while planning and positioning us for the next seven (and beyond). It's been incredibly challenging, but as personally fulfilling as anything I've done.

I love getting to see my kids during their school days, but strangely, this has been more awkward for me than for them. During the first week, I felt really embarrassed for them when they saw me and ran up and hugged me during the day. I wonder how long their enthusiasm for Dad will last, but since they don't seem to mind or feel pressure to behave differently, I'm happy to let it continue as long as it will (I just need to get used to it).

In addition to my own kids, I'm enjoying the other 243 students enrolled at our two campuses. While I'm still learning names and trying desperately to keep up with everything required to run a school, the kids have been kind and open with me, as have many of their parents. One particularly enjoyable bunch of students is my Headmaster's Conclave, a lunch group of juniors and seniors. We meet every other week to talk about their studies, their lives, and their perspectives on how we can improve Veritas. It's been enlightening to hear from them (and they've been more than willing to provide "the new guy" with their honest thoughts).

I could go on - about our teaching staff (all of whom I love); about our administrative team (all of whom are so committed to the school); about our board of directors (all of whom I feel safe with); and about classical Christian education (all of which I am learning so much, but still have so much to learn). It's been great - really exhausting, but great.

On the non-school front, I'm encouraged with the relationships we're beginning to cultivate in our neighborhood, which has thankfully turned out to be much more socially and ethnically diverse than I imagined. Over Labor Day weekend, we organized a cul-de-sac party and over 30 people turned out, many of whom had lived here for years and were re-introducing themselves to each other as they had just not kept up over time. The girls have made friends in the neighborhood and the weather has finally cooled off to make being outside an option (though actually being home remains my biggest challenge).

As you may know, one of the other reasons we moved to OKC was to help my college roommate/co-author, Doug Serven, plant City Presbyterian, the first PCA church in the Oklahoma City limits. Here's a picture from one of our first leadership meetings in June:

And here's a picture from our first "preview" worship service this past Sunday evening:

As you can see, our chairs runneth over. Granted, not all of these people are going to stick around as part of City Pres (several were simply well-wishers from other churches while others were there to see one of the nine baptisms that took place), but it was fun to pull everything together and provide an opportunity for folks to hear the Scriptures proclaimed, to partake in the sacraments of communion and baptism, and to visualize the future of Oklahoma City with a Reformed church in its downtown.

As we don't anticipate formally launching a weekly service until perhaps the spring, we'll be meeting in City Groups (ours meets on Tuesday evenings) and in Sunday night vision rallies until then. However, it was especially fun for me to see Megan enjoy offering of her behind-the-scenes gifts of service and hospitality (not to mention picture-taking), as well as see our girls jump in and help set up, pull off, and pick up after the service. Having been dragged along to so many of the leadership meetings over the summer, they felt real ownership for the service and the church, which was hugely exciting.

In thinking through all of this - school, neighborhood, church, family - I keep coming back to Psalm 16, which has, for the past six years or so, become one of my fortunate favorites:

    Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
    I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
        I have no good apart from you.”
    As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
        in whom is all my delight.
    The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
        their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
        or take their names on my lips.
    The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
        you hold my lot.
    The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
        indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
    I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
        in the night also my heart instructs me.
    I have set the LORD always before me;
        because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
    Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
        my flesh also dwells secure.
    For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
        or let your holy one see corruption.
    You make known to me the path of life;
        in your presence there is fullness of joy;
        at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
(Psalm 16 ESV)

Some blessings...no turning back. Grateful to God for who he is and all he is doing.

Some Regrets...No Doubts

On Friday, the girls and I got home from school around 2 p.m., as Veritas is only in session on Fridays until 12:30. My normal "Daddy's home" routine is to greet Megan (usually with a hug), greet the dogs (also usually with a hug), and then head upstairs, change clothes, and collapse on the bed for a period of time in direct proportion to what kind of day/week it's been.

As we just finished our first week - a very good but exhausting one - my time on the bed went a little longer than normal. After 45 minutes of repeatedly falling asleep but then being awakened by one of four daughters, I gave up the idea of a nap and came downstairs. The girls wanted to watch something, but I was not in the mood for Phineas & Ferb; thus, we pulled up Chariots of Fire on Netflix and enjoyed.

There's a scene toward the end of the film in which Erid Liddell can only watch the finals of the race he was favored to win (the 100-yard dash) because his Sabbath conviction stood in the way of participating in the qualifying heats the previous Sunday. As Liddell is sitting in the stands waiting for the race to begin, a friend leans over to him and asks if he has any regrets. Liddell's response: "Some regrets...no doubts."

I resonated with Liddell's sentiment. Moving to Oklahoma has hardly been an awful thing and I have no doubts we are supposed to be here. But I'd be lying if I said there weren't some regrets that I've been processing and feeling this summer.

I suppose the first source of grief is just the loss of time and money that goes with any major transition. In thinking back through all the hours invested praying and wrestling with the pros and cons, asking questions and communicating decisions, selling a house and buying a house, packing, loading, moving, unloading, and unpacking, and paying for it all, I regret the toll our move required and the burden it placed on our family. A look at my minimal reading list or our bank account confirms that it's been a tough seven months.

Second, I regret distancing the relationships we had in St. Louis (as well as the ones previously distanced in Colorado Springs before we moved from there). We've always been fortunate to have surrounded ourselves with good people, but that fact is not always comforting when you have to leave them behind. I miss those I used to work with, went to church with, laughed with, argued with, and just loved being with. These are wounds that I don't anticipate healing completely.

Third, I miss the simplicity of "just being a teacher" and being able to focus exclusively on the science and art of teaching. I first felt this reality in May, when I finished teaching and started my new role as Head of School ten days later (moving in between), but being around kids this past week really made me miss the classroom and the discussions I got to have with students all day long.

Fourth, I miss the Midwest and the common sense spirit of keeping your head down and your nose to the grindstone because, well, that's what people do in the Midwest. Granted, the Southwest is perhaps not that different, but while I never thought I'd miss the weather in St. Louis, after living through the hottest summer on record in Oklahoma, I confess I miss that as well.

Finally, I regret the potential risks I've exposed my family (and others) to in leaving a well-established, well-respected, and well-funded school in an amazing brand new building run by seasoned leaders who know what they're doing in order to be a first-time Head of School in a fledgling education movement that rents limited space every week in two churches just to have a place to meet three days a week. I won't say the pressure's overwhelming yet, but there is pressure, and I feel it on a variety of levels.

Some regrets, yes. Plenty of them. But no doubts. None at all. I'll write about why in my next post.

More Than April Showers or May Flowers

About a year-and-a-half ago, I had the idea that it might be a good idea to mark turning 40 (which happened last month) with a 40-day fast from food and media. My goal (as detailed here) was "to spend my extra time reading the Bible, praying, and writing about what God may have should he grant me another 40 years."

The media fast was easy: I didn't touch Facebook, Twitter, or the blog and I didn't miss it. The food fast was much harder, as I attempted a water-only fast (I did have a couple of cups of tea after Day 4 just to taste something other than my mouth). Things were going well enough until my doctor pulled the plug on the fast at the end of Day 10 because I had too many ketones in my blood and could have developed serious kidney problems. While disappointed, I was glad it was her decision to end the fast rather than mine (though she never wrote me that prescription for Five Guys Burger & Fries like I asked).

I lost twenty pounds in those ten days and learned how much food can be an idol for me. I also had a great time reading the Old Testament prophets, listening to God convey his love for his people even in the midst of their sin and rebellion and writing out prayers of confession for myself and supplication for others. Finally, I thanked God for the gift of life and asked him for his favor on another 40 years if he would be so gracious. I had no agenda for this time other than to seek God and to read, listen, and write. In the spirit of the prophets, I even grew a beard that didn't look half bad.

On day 39 of this 40-day period, I received an email out of the blue from Julie Serven, wife of Doug (of three-year Mizzou roommate/TwentySomeone co-author fame). After wishing me an early birthday, she wrote:

"I wanted to ask if you would have any interest in pursuing a new career direction? Our Head of School has recently taken a position with a school in Alabama. He has done a great job the last couple of years and has helped in taking the school to a more developed level.

We need someone who is both visionary but also very administratively gifted. Someone with teaching experience, preferably in high school, and experience with managing and working with people. Someone who appreciates the value of a home component in education and is willing to encourage and partner with parents interested in doing so. Someone who could help train the teachers, pastor the parents, and love the kids. Sound like anyone you know? It does to me."

Somewhat dumbfounded by Julie's email and the opportunity she was asking me to consider, I finished my 40 days asking God if this would be something he would have me pursue. While I have absolutely loved teaching these past five years (four at Westminster Christian Academy, one at Heritage Classical School), I had wondered more than once whether I was using my administrative and leadership gifts to the fullest extent that I could. This question was not one of ambition but of stewardship: Was there more God was calling me to do for the Kingdom in the realm of Christian education? Was this role with Veritas an opportunity I was to trust him for in doing so?

After talking with Megan and seeking counsel from several here and elsewhere who know and love us, we decided it was worth pursuing. I composed a letter and resume, notified references, and sent along my testimony and philosophy of education. A week later, the Veritas board flew Megan and me to Oklahoma City for an exhaustingly thorough weekend-long interview; ten days later (after doing due diligence of considering other applicants), they sent us a very gracious official offer; last weekend, I made one more trip to meet with the board to discern face-to-face if indeed this was God's will for all involved. By the end of the meeting, it seemed good to all of us; thus, I accepted the role.

The school, Veritas Classical Academy, now has 260 students Pre-K through 11th (they are adding 12th grade next year) and currently meets at a church in south OKC. Because of interest in the Edmond/North OKC area, they will be starting a north grammar campus (Pre-K to 5th) with 50 students this coming fall. Plans are to open a south grammar campus in Norman the year after that (starting with 50 students), and then move to purchase land/building for a central upper school campus the year or two after that, the idea being that there would be several feeder grammar schools and one central upper school (6th to 12th, 7th to 12th, or 9th to 12th). They follow a blended (university) model (half in-class instruction and half home instruction), seek to be reasonably (as opposed to maniacally) classical, and are trans-denominational as a school (though the board seeks to be winsomely Reformed in setting and implementing policies).

My role as Head of School will focus primarily on areas of creating and modeling the school's climate and values, recruiting, hiring, and training faculty, leading and counseling staff and parents as they educate their students, resolving conflict and handling disciplinary matters, and working with the board on strategic planning. Secondarily, I will also be responsible (with the help of others) for the alignment and development of curriculum, public relations, fundraising, finance, and other matters of policy and administration pertaining to the school. Oh, and I'll still get to teach a class or two each semester. It's a big job, but one I believe my education and experience (not to mention the wealth of mentoring relationships and supportive friendships I've benefitted from over the years) have prepared me for.

One other pleasant convergence: Doug and Julie have been asked to plant a new PCA church - City Presbyterian - in downtown OKC, starting with an initial gathering of core group members this summer. As if building and leading not just a school but an eventual school system weren't enough, helping to plant an urban church with dear friends we've known for 20 years (Doug and Julie were Megan's NavStaff at Oklahoma State after the three of us graduated from Mizzou together) just seems to be icing on the cake. Who knows? Doug and I might even get ThirtySomewhere finished now that we'll be in the same town.

Spring has brought more than April showers or May flowers for the Dunham family, and we're grateful to God for his leading. While we're looking down the barrel of what promises to be a very intense 3-4 months, we are trusting God to provide above and beyond what we need emotionally, physically, and spiritually as he continues to guide us in this new step of faith. Here's a look at what's ahead (thanks in advance for any prayers on our behalf):

MARCH

10-11: Westminster Christian Academy Parent/Teacher Conferences
11-12: Crossroads Presbyterian Fellowship Women's Retreat
19-24: Spring Break (house-hunting in Oklahoma City)
28: Opening Day (JV Baseball)

APRIL

8-9: Biblical Imagination Conference (Dallas)
15: Classical Conversations Banquet
22-24: Easter Break

MAY

7: Studio Forte Ballet Recital
12: Last Day (JV Baseball)
14: St. Louis Children's Choirs Spring Concert
23: WCA Graduation
27: WCA Last Day of School

JUNE

6: First Week at Veritas (Oklahoma City)
16-18: Association of Classical & Christian Schools Conference (Atlanta)
24-25: Biblical Imagination Conference (Apple Creek, OH)

For Megan's perspective on the move, click over to Half-Pint House.

My Point Exactly

Megan: Let me use your laptop and I'll organize the Flickr account while we watch the movie.

Craig: You never just watch movies anymore. I think the Internet has rewired your brain.

Megan: You just don't want me to use your laptop.

Craig: That's not true. Did you read those links I sent you about continuous partial attention and the ineffectiveness of multi-tasking?

Megan: I skimmed them.

Craig: (pause)

Megan: (smile)

Craig: I am so putting that on the blog.

Concert Review: Jason Aldean

And now for something completely different...

Megan somehow scored free backstage passes, a private "concert"/photo op (with eats and drinks), and free tickets to the Jason Aldean concert at the Family Arena in St. Charles Saturday night. I don't know how she finds this stuff, but I've learned over the years not to ask too many questions so as to not attach myself as an accomplice in whatever illegal activities she may engage in for a cheap date night. But I digress...

Let's be clear: while I appreciate the lyrical cleverness of country music, I'm not that big a fan of the musicality of the genre. Still, a free concert's a free concert, and since "She's Country" at heart, Megan and I went and enjoyed the gig. Jake Owen ("one of People magazine's sexiest men in country music" - oh boy) was the opening act, but everyone was clearly there for Aldean.

Rather than write a detailed review that no one may particularly care to read, I thought I'd record a video blog (vlog) to pseudo-capture the evening. What follows are my hardly technical, barely coherent, and honestly raw thoughts on the show.

Thanks to Megan for her filming/editing job, as well as for treating me to more culture than one man should be allowed to experience in a night.

This Just In

We interrupt this discussion to bring you Megan's latest post - on baseball. Hints of spring, familiarity of home, America's pastime done on the cheap...I'm in love all over again.

WWJD?

On Friday night, Megan and I had an impromptu date. It had been a while. As the girls were happily occupied at a friend's house up the street (thanks, Erin and company), we went out for Chinese, talked, and then came home to watch Julie & Julia before picking up the girls to play parents again.

If you haven't seen the movie, you might have heard how good it is. Megan especially liked it because it's about so many things she loves: marriage, blogging, cooking, books, and the challenge of juggling those things all at once. The conversations in the film were familiar ones to both of us, as we've struggled with many of the same things Julie and her husband did concerning her art: the absence of time, the constancy of insecurity, the selfishness of narcissism, the fear of rejection, and still the hope of creating something beautiful in the midst of everything else.

For me, the film's storybook ending (literally: Julie Powell's blog gets turned into a book which gets turned into a movie) was about revisiting the hope of being faithful with very little in order to be faithful with much. The perseverance required for Julie's experiment of cooking 524 recipes in 365 days (and then blogging about it for all to read) reminds me of "the good old days" of blogging, when the hope of something happening seemed more possible than it does now, as there seemed so fewer blogs then.

Apparently, though, it does still happen. Just yesterday, I read on Heather Armstrong's blog (I've been a reader for probably five years) about the exclusive development deal she and her husband, Jon, signed with HGTV. I know next to nothing about the network, but apparently lots of people do. While I'm happy for the Armstrongs, it feels like it's the beginning of the end of such transitions (if you'll remember, almost a year ago, I considered whether the potential of the personal blog might be coming to an end).

Sadly, my need for inspiration comes on the heels of yet another rejection of my own writing efforts, this time in the form of an email from an up-and-coming agent I approached a few weeks ago. He writes:

"Thanks for allowing me to review your proposal. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to pass. It’s not that I don’t think this is a good idea or good content. I think it’s fine on both those levels. But these days, with the poor publishing economy, I am having to limit my new clients to only those authors who have established a large national fan base. The larger publishers are insisting on such, since they don’t have the marketing budgets they once did. They want to know that they can sell an immediate 15K or so books to the author’s fan base without having to spend a single marketing dollar. It sucks. But that’s the way it is right now."

Thus, I'm giving thought to what this means (or should) for my publishing future. Do I keep up my occasional attempt to squeeze through a publishing door at least enough to get someone's attention (even if it's only to look up and ask me to leave)? Do I swallow my pride and go the self-publishing route, building a grassroots following, and then, if all goes well, take another run at the agents and publishing houses? Or, do I let go of the idea of traditional publishing machine all together and go completely digital, publishing content here (or elsewhere) without getting completely ripped off financially or otherwise?

These are some of the questions I've been asking myself of late, but as of last night's movie, I've added one more to my literary litany of lament:

What would Julia do?

We Go Together

Megan and I introduced the girls to Grease tonight. In addition to being able to recite every line of dialogue and flawlessly perform "The Hand Jive," Megan also knows each word, syllable, and sound in the finale "We Go Together." Here are the lyrics:

We go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong
Remembered forever like shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
That's the way it should be - wha oooh yeah!

We're one of a kind, like dip di-dip di-dip, doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Our names are signed, boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy, shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be like one, wa-wa-wa-waaa!

When we go out at night and stars are shinin' bright
Up in the skies above or at the high school dance
Where you can find romance
Maybe it might be lo-oh oh oh-oh oh-ove

Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
A wop ba-ba lu-mop a wop bam boom

We're for each other like a wop ba-ba lu-mop and wop bam boom
Just like my brother is sha na na na na na yip-pit-y dip de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together - wha oooh yeah!

Folks, if that's not romantic, I don't know what is. Just another reason I'm confident in saying, "We'll always be together" (repeat ad nauseum).

13 Years (and Counting)

Happy anniversary, Megan. I may be the head of our home, but you are its heart. I love you and am so grateful to God for who you are and all you do. You're the best of the best.

Move Over Mr. Moviefone

To fulfill Megan's last mission for Chevy this month, she had to put together her own one-minute commercial for the Traverse. I did my best Don Pardo/Mr. Moviefone mashup for the endeavor, and am now officially available for part-time voice-over work in the St. Louis area. Here's my resume:

Megan Dunham: Mommy Mission #4 from Megan Dunham on Vimeo.

First come, first served (I've got Pixar on the phone now).

Stairway of Dunham

We've got more pics to print and more old frames to repaint, but I like the results so far:

We're big black and white fans around here (not a hint of color in our entire wedding album). It's going to be fun to add pictures to the Stairway of Dunham in years to come.

Prediction

This picture is going to make me cry in twenty years:

Now interviewing for arranged marriages (include references and FBI background check).

All Must Be Well

My mom and I had lunch Saturday, as she was in town for a Mary Kay conference at the St. Louis Convention Center. I took her to Tigin, an Irish pub Megan and I had discovered as part of a mystery shop date a few months ago - cool place. I can't remember the last time I had a meal with my mom that didn't include Dad, Megan, or any combination of children, so we had a novel time catching up.

The conversation went a variety of directions, but one topic that came up was all the debt America is accruing and the impact of that on multiple generations. I've never known Mom to get upset by too many things political, but she had obviously spent some time thinking about the consequences for her children and grandchildren. She was concerned, she said, and spoke of how, the older she gets, the more realistic she's trying to be in adding to - rather than spending - our inheritance.

Thanking her for her thoughtfulness and honesty, I shared a little of my perspective (semi-transcribed versions here and here if you're interested) on the mess the government is making of the financial sector, as well as a little about the moral dilemmas (here, here, here, here, and here just to link a few) that will impact our nation's future in ways as significant as any financial crisis. The conversation could have turned into a real bummer had not we ended up agreeing there's really little hope for things apart from the grace of God. Simply put, it was a good and meaningful time.

Finishing lunch and dropping Mom off at the Convention Center for the rest of her conference, I made my way to Clayton for a wedding. My friend and teaching colleague, Abby Doriani, was due to get married at 2:00, but I underestimated the hassle the I-64 repair shutdown from Kingshighway to Hanley would be and realized I was going to be late. I finally made it to Clayton, found a parking place, and ran up to the church, figuring I missed Abby's procession, but would at least make it for the remainder of the ceremony and reception.

As I opened the front door to sneak in, I almost ran over Abby's dad, Dr. Dan Doriani, who was leading Abby and the bridesmaids up the stairs into the foyer before proceeding into the sanctuary. As I had Dr. Doriani for several classes at Covenant, I smiled and shook his hand, trying to be mindful of the fact that he probably had a lot on his mind and now might not be the best time for small talk. I waved to Abby, who looked beautiful in her wedding gown, and then I headed up the stairs to the sanctuary to find a seat.

At the top of the stairs, I saw Abby's mother, Debbie, and gave her a hug. Far from being a dreaded mother-of-the-bride, Debbie was all smiles, asked how I was, thanked me for coming to the wedding, and reassured me there were plenty of seats left, but I would have to go in after Abby and her dad did as the seating of grandparents had already started. She gave me a quick wave, then took her place at the door to the sanctuary and was escorted in by one of the ushers, followed by Abby's first two bridesmaids.

This left Abby, her dad, her two younger sisters (each of whom was a matron/maid of honor), and me standing in the foyer. Abby noticed me trying to blend into the wall so as not to intrude on the family moment, but as it obviously wasn't working, she humorously asked how I was enjoying my behind-the-scenes experience of her wedding. I laughed and said I was just taking notes. Her sisters each gave her a kiss and went in, and then it was Abby's turn to walk arm-in-arm with her dad through the doors to get married.

More than most, the wedding ceremony was a very warm reminder of how the God-given institution of marriage is (and is to be) a reflection of Christ's relationship with his bride, the Church. In his charge to the couple, Dr. Doriani spoke of the differences between romantic and divine love, but stressed the need for both in marriage. Vows were taken, the community affirmed them, and everyone rejoiced in the fact that two were becoming one before their very eyes. It was a beautiful thing, and afterward, we all went downstairs for cake and punch (another beautiful thing).

For me, the afternoon was an insightful one: in light of the good but sobering discussion with Mom at lunch, I needed the reassurance of Christ's relationship with his Church that a marriage ceremony can provide; despite the pressures of the day, I saw parents who didn't make their daughter's marriage all about them (or even about her), but about Christ's relationship with his Church; and, strangely for the first time, I imagined my own daughters getting married - each with her three sisters as bridesmaids - and prayed that their weddings would reflect Christ's relationship with his Church as well...even if there's little money to pay for them...or even less morality left in our culture to care.

This morning at church, we sang the following verse:

"We expect a bright tomorrow, all will be well
Faith can sing through days of sorrow, all is well
On our Father's love relying, Jesus every need supplying
Yes, in living or in dying, all must be well"

Because of Christ's relationship with his Church, all must be well...both in the now and the not yet. I needed that reminder, and I'm grateful to God for it this Lord's Day.

More Than Daddy Day Care

For Valentine's Day (not really, but it's a happy coincidence), I'm sending Megan to the Rochester L'abri conference taking place this weekend "way up nort der in Minnes-O-ta." I'm excited for her to go - certainly for the content and experience, but also for the time away and alone for a long weekend - and mercifully, the weather for Rochester looks to be almost warm for the upper Midwest this time of year (highs in the lower 30s).

Obviously, the implication of Megan being gone Thursday through Sunday is pretty impacting on our family. Since I still have to teach Thursday and have a full day of teacher in-service on Friday, our friends the Sargents and the McMillens have graciously agreed to take our brood in half-day shifts today. On Friday, one of my students is hosting the girls for all the Dance Dance Revolution they can handle (thanks, Julie). Apart from that, it'll just be the ladies and me, which could be fun...that is, if I don't screw it up.

So far, I've got a few plans in place: half-price shakes at Steak-n-Shake Friday afternoon; Friday night movies at home with the Back to the Future trilogy; a field trip or two on Saturday to the Science Center (we're members) and the Art Museum (it's free), with some reading time in the afternoon/evening; church and naps on Sunday - in general, more fun than you can shake a stick at.

For those who have kids, you know all this "fun" takes a lot of work. I love my girls, but the energy required to keep up with them - especially after a full week of teaching and this weekend as a single parent - can be difficult to muster. I need to go to bed when they do (which Megan never does), as well as lower my expectations of what else I might get done (which I never do) to really have a shot at making the most of the time.

Though I much prefer having Megan with us, my time alone with the girls is important - it's different from their normal routine and provides opportunity for me to relate with them differently as well. This doesn't mean trying to be both father and mother to them - no one can do that - but it does mean trying to exhibit a fuller essence of fatherhood in the physical absence of motherhood.

Make no mistake: I may be the head of our home, but Megan is the heart of it. "All father, all the time" is not God's best (just as "all mother, all the time" is not either). Still, I think God gives windows of opportunity when time with one or the other parent is concentrated for the purpose of building relationship with that parent, while at the same illustrating the need for the other as well. I want to do my best to build depth into our relationships, but I know in trying to do so, my girls will recognize their father's need for their mother (not to mention their own similar need as well). Thankfully, and by the grace of God, this disequilibrium somehow provides a sense of family stability.

So, we're playing with some big stakes this weekend. And, while some may say I'm making more of everything than I should (when was the last time I ever did that?), I'm convinced that for a father (and a father of daughters especially), the challenge of parenting is overcoming his desire not to do so. Providing for, protecting - we as men get these ideas. But parenting? That requires real men to show up and play, as to play with our kids is sometimes the hardest thing in the world for us to do.

(FYI: Megan's latest post at World on the Web is up. She also has information on how to purchase a new book - Through His Eyes: God's Perspective on Women in the Bible by Jerram Barrs - at a discount rate here.)

Cleaning the World, One Door at a Time

"Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean." Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

It's a beautiful weekend here in the Lou, and we're taking full advantage of it...by staying in the house and doing some Fall cleaning. Between the bookstore and assorted weekend plans, it's been so long since I've been home for an entire weekend that I'm having to pinch myself at how wonderful it feels.

We've worked hard this morning - doing tons of laundry, cleaning bathrooms, fixing a dishwasher, and conducting our seasonal toy audit. We're now taking a break for lunch and, in between trips to Goodwill this afternoon, will spend most of our time in the basement picking up and putting stuff away (it's a mess down there). If we really get ambitious, we might even tackle the attic because we're nuts like that.

I love days like this - it's what at least one Saturday a season needs to be for us to stay on top of things. For better or worse, Megan and I each have a fierce "manic" side to our personalities that kicks in when necessary; unfortunately, landing on that same page of "necessary" at the same time rarely happens, which can be frustrating for both of us in dealing with each other.

Today, however, has been a day of synchronicity, and we've gained strength from each other's mania; mine tends to manifest itself in a obsessive-compulsive, perfectionistic way, while hers tends toward a more what's-in-front-of-me-now, just-get-it-done focus. Thankfully, we made a "big picture" list last night, so we're not getting bogged down in the details, but instead are making some serious progress on the house.

We're around this afternoon, so feel free to stop by and check our progress...just bring your own cleaning supplies.

Back to work...

The Heart of the Matter

As the comments keep multiplying on my previous post on gay marriage, I thought it best to condense some of the discussion to get at what seems to be the heart of the matter. I've enjoyed hearing from each of you (many of you are apparently new readers - welcome), and I've entered into a conversation or two on your own blogs as well (click here for a good discussion Paperdreamer and I have been having on ethics and morals).

I've gone through all the previous comments (at least the first twenty) and pulled some quotes (hopefully within context) to which to respond. As I think most of you will concur, the issue of gay marriage is ultimately not one of legality or even of morality; the issue is ultimately one of who has the final say in the area of our sexuality (and everything else). For instance:

Vitaminbook: "I’m taking it as a given that nonconsensual romantic or sexual relationships should be illegal...children would be in a position to be exploited by this kind of thing even if it was legal....what marriage is defined as has nothing to do with why most people would agree that adult/child relationships are harmful."

The questions here are where is the "given" coming from, and why would "most people" agree? The statement implies some kind of outside source (I would say the Christian God) who has already determined right and wrong; we, then, are simply deciding if we agree or disagree with his determination. The fact that we want to break the law - any law - is not a hetero- or homosexual issue; it's a human one. We all have the two-year-old syndrome: that is, we want what we want, regardless of sexual orientation.

Vitaminbook: "Those who are against gay marriage seem to think that it will open the floodgates for legalized adult/child relationships, but I don’t think that’s being realistic - it’s like saying that legalizing voluntary euthanasia would open the floodgates to legalized, free-for-all murder."

Given what humankind's history shows us, we'd be hard-pressed to say it wouldn't. I'm not trying to blow this point out of proportion, but am simply trying to make the connection that, just as our view of human life/death affects our tendency to respect/take it, so, too, does our view of the purpose for human sexuality affect our perspective in partaking in it.

If our sexuality is removed from God's intended context of the monogamous man/woman marriage, intimacy has no God-prescribed commitment to cement (which, biblically speaking, is a main purpose of our sexuality). With this as a reality, we will then experiment and walk down some seriously repulsive roads in our search for "satisfaction."

Vitaminbook: "For the record, I actually do think that people should be allowed to be racist or anti-homosexual if they want."

On the basis of our shared humanity and the imago dei (image of God) within each of us, I would disagree with this statement completely. I don't need or want to be "anti-" anyone in order to walk with God and love others.

Escapethedrain: "You and others are commenting on how much marriage is sacred and should be protected (from homosexuals). How sacred is this marriage you speak of when we have the highest divorce rate in the world? (talking the U.S. in general)?"

The question is what makes marriage (or anything) "sacred"? I do not come from the perspective that, because my wife and I have been married for almost twelve years, we are the ones who have made and kept our marriage sacred. The Scriptures teach that God makes marriage between a man and a woman sacred; we have just entered into the sanctity of what God has done. Marriage was God's idea from the beginning (Genesis 2), and a government document merely recognizes and protects that sanctity; it does not create or power it.

Paperdreamer: "Homosexual marriage is a valid desire, legally and socially...[still] I will say that it is against nature to be homosexual."

These two statements can only exist in the same sentence if one believes man is an animal who cannot control himself; in other words, homosexuality must be an evolutionary mistake (after all, gay men or lesbian women cannot reproduce, so this cannot be any kind of helpful natural selection), but since we're nothing more than animals anyway, so be it (the caveat here is usually "as long as they don't harm anyone else" - then there needs to be limits).

If any of us were asked if there is anyone in the world right now doing things we believe they should stop doing no matter what they personally believe about the correctness of their behavior, we would all say, "Yes, of course." Doesn't this mean that we do believe there is some kind of moral reality that is "there" that is not defined by us, that must be abided by regardless of what a person feels or thinks? If we're honest, I think we would say we do.

Lwayswright: "It is an often confusing topic because there are so many things in life nowadays that people are 'born with a predisposition to.' Where do you draw the line between predisposition and responsibility or lifestyle choice?"

I believe that the cause of homosexuality is as much nature as nurture. By this, I mean that all of us in our nature are fallen and broken sexually, regardless of whether we think of ourselves as being of hetero- or homosexual orientation. Regardless how the lines of brokenness fall, they have fallen on all of us; just as someone who may deal with homosexual tendencies and temptations, I as a heterosexual man deal with my own tendencies and temptations as well.

Thankfully, God woos us out of the sexual brokenness of our fallen humanity. We can embrace the exchange of Christ's life of perfection for our life of sin, and respond in obedience to his love out of a heart of gratitude for what he has done. Indeed, the Christian God is a god of performance; the good news is Christ performed in our place.

All that to say (and as with all of life), how you and I view gay marriage has everything to do with how we view freedom, which has everything to do with how we view morals, which has everything to do with how we view ethics, which has everything to do with how we view the source of our ethics, which has everything to do with whether we think of the final authority as ourselves (in the form of government, philosophy, or good old-fashioned preference) or God.

Thoughts?

On Gay Marriage

In light of the activist action of California's Supreme Court late last week, here are some things to keep in mind with regard to the question of homosexuality and gay marriage:

• According to a 2005 study by The Kinsey Institute, 90% of men aged 18-44 considered themselves to be heterosexual, 2.3% as homosexual, 1.8% as bisexual, and 3.9% as "something else." The numbers are almost identical for women. It's amazing how powerful a lobby the homosexual community has for being less than 7% of the population.


• Joseph Nicolosi's research in the late-90's on reorientation therapy's effectiveness has not been refuted. In fact, Robert Spitzer, who argued in 1973 that homosexuality is not a clinical disorder, wrote in 2001: "Contrary to conventional wisdom, some highly motivated individuals, using a variety of change efforts, can make substantial change in multiple indicators of sexual orientation, and achieve good hetero-sexual functioning."


• Homosexuality is not the worst of sins, but neither is it merely a "non-ideal, lesser of two evils" sin. Contrary to what more doctrinally-liberal churches teach, homosexual relationships are not God-given, nor is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 18 and 19 merely an example of God's wrath being poured out in response to the sin of inhospitality.


• Apart from Scripture (which is quite clear in both Old AND New Testaments that homosexuality is not God's model for marriage), there are some very compelling secular arguments against the cultural endorsement of homosexual behavior. Robert A.J. Gagnon, Associate Professor of New Testament at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, has written as much as anybody on the topic and offers six helpful points here.

Considering where things stand, a defining federal Constitutional ammendment may indeed be necessary if traditional marriage is to be legally preserved in the United States. As much as I hate the idea of trying to legislate morality, I honestly wonder if the nation understands (or could ultimately survive) what's at stake by not doing so.

Happy Mother's Day

I know most women get nervous about Proverbs 31:10-31 because of the "all-or-nothing" evaluation that often accompanies it, either in its presentation or in its processing. But today on Mother's Day, could we read the Scripture for what it means? Proverbs 31 isn't intended as a list to live up to but as a life to live out, and I'm grateful to be married to a woman who wants to live this kind of life (though she'll admit it's hard for her sometimes to get everything checked off).

From Eugene Peterson's paraphrase, The Message:

"A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.

She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden. First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.

She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. She's quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks.

Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers. She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile. When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.

She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: 'Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!'

Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!"

Happy Mother's Day, moms.

Who Needs Curriculum When You've Got New York?

Last Monday, I started a unit with my ethics classes on the seventh commandment ("You shall not commit adultery"). For those watching the news cycle of late, you know that last Monday was the beginning of the whole Eliot Spitzer downfall and, as of yesterday, the disclosure of sexual dalliances by his replacement, David Patterson.

The events of the past ten days have made for some timely case studies with my students in our discussions of marriage. That said, I'll be interested to get their responses tomorrow to this article in today's New York Times that (once again) writes off such indiscretions as nothing more than naturalistic determinism.

Does Vegas Have a Line on This?

I can't decide if Bill Clinton is trying to save the nation or his marriage by working so hard to get Hillary elected. Anybody got odds on them lasting if she loses?

Marriage and Family Paper (part 3)

In my genogram, I charted six generations – approximately 150 years – of my family, from my great-great-grandparents (mid-1800s) to my children (early 2000s). For my purposes here, the first and last generations have been included for little more than historic reasons, as space restrictions in representing the former and age limitations in understanding the latter came into play.

One more disclaimer: I have not fleshed out in great detail those branches of my family not directly in my particular line, as (again) space was limited and general statements seem to suffice in explaining any effects on me.

Other general background: as all lines of my family involve agriculture as a vocation, the Depression of the late-1920s and early-1930s seems particularly significant in shaping the attitudes and actions of those specific generations affected (for example, my great-grandmother, Rachel Dunham, would boil chicken bones for soup until they just melted, and she would not throw anything away).

The Depression significantly shaped both sets of my grandparents’ perspectives as well; growing up as kids during this time, they never had much, but were grateful for the little they had. While certainly not to the same experiential degree, it’s obvious to me that my exposure to their outlook and (limited) conversations about these times shapes my own “make do” mentality.

As a whole (and Depression not withstanding), the majority of my family have historically worked for and successfully earned a middle-class living, contributed to and invested in the (mostly small and rural) communities in which they settled, and avoided run-ins with the law, scandals, and otherwise “bad” behavior.

Ours is a humble but proud family of landowners and homeowners, church members and board members, farmers (my father) and teachers (my mother). I am grateful for my heritage and, though it is hardly perfect, it is better than most (which is another lovable idiosyncrasy of my family – things could always be better, but rest assured they could also always be worse).

Marriage and Family Paper (part 2)

In beginning this undertaking, I start with me, as I am a physical amassing of many of the emotional, relational, and spiritual accumulations of my family. Who am I, and what questions do the answers raise as to how I have become (for lack of a better word) “me”?

In general, I am a strange combination of tensions that somehow coexist, but only with a fair degree of internal struggle. Often at the same time, I can consistently be both:

• inspiringly idealistic and critically realistic (often pessimistic)


• check-for-a pulse rational and out-of-control passionate


• die-on-a-hill principled and sell-to-the-first-bidder pragmatic


• high-mindedly moral and flesh-satisfyingly carnal


• rudely independent and painfully lonely


• joyfully certain and angrily doubtful


• faithfully hardworking and selfishly lazy

In considering these traits, many questions come to mind:

• Have others in my family experienced any of these in the same way that I do?


• What events and experiences, hopes and disappointments in our shared past have shaped these characteristics?


• When compared to former generations, is the sum total of any of these traits increasing or decreasing with me, and what role do I have in increasing or decreasing them in the lives of my own children, my grandchildren, and my great-grandchildren (i.e. to the third and fourth generation)?


• To what degree have we as a family dealt with or discussed any of this in the past, and to what extent do we need to, both in the present and in the future?


• Finally, what has God been doing in our family over time, and how are we to respond now in a way that honors him and each other in the midst of it?

Marriage and Family Paper (part 1)

I just finished my family genogram (and a ten-page paper explaining it) for my Marriage and Family class. For this assignment, I was to analyze my family not simply in a recollection of historical facts, but by a thorough analysis of dynamics and functioning that have been influenced by history. This weekend, I thought I'd post some generic excerpts that might encourage you to think through your own family and how it has shaped you as well.

Can you hear me when I sing? You're the reason I sing You're the reason why the opera's in me –“Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own,” U2

The rock star Bono singing about opera is comparable to my writing about family – the basic subject matter is familiar and I “get” it (after all, music is music and family is family), but the experience can still be a very foreign one.

Another similarity: just as there is a profound operatic streak running through Bono because of his father’s life and music, there is also an opera – full of interesting characters, relationships, memories, and meanings – playing in and through my own life because of my family. The metaphor is appropriate, as music and story have always been the most interesting of subjects to me.

In considering this opera, I’m fascinated anew by the fact that what separates me from previous generations is simply one day passing after another, over and over again, until days become months, months years, years decades, decades centuries, and so on. Time is both a massive and miniscule gap across to transcend, as it is nothing more (or is it nothing less?) than an enormous accumulation of the minutes of our very existence.

As time so accumulates, so, too, does my family – not just physically, but also emotionally, relationally, and spiritually – by the addition (and the multiplication) of each generation’s endowment to its lines. In our case, this has been (for the most part) for the good; at times for the not-so-good; and, perhaps most accurately, a little of both.

Marrying (or Divorcing?) for Love

More interesting reading on marriage, this time from Counseling and Therapy for Couples (2nd edition) by Lynn L. Long and Mark E. Young. This textbook was written by two college professors on "couples" counseling, not "marriage" counseling, as "the old standby term, 'marriage counseling,' is fast fading from the therapist's lexicon because, today, many people who are in couples are not legally married." (xix)

So far, the best part about the book has been its comprehensive history, definitions of key terms, premises, problems, and methods and techniques that comprise theories of couples therapy. Those theories (as addressed in chapters two and three) are:

• behavior therapy


• object relations therapy and Bowen theory


• structural and strategic therapy


• solution-focused therapy


• narrative therapy and emotionally-focused couples therapy

While more technical than some of my other reading assignments, this book has been a good read, especially as a primer of understanding a basic history of psychology that somehow I never took seriously in college (something about experiments with mice and rats and not knowing why any of this mattered to my then 19-year-old self).

However, with a little more of life under my belt (including almost ten years of marriage), if I ever got kicked out of my Masters of Divinity program for not quite "mastering divinity," I think I'd give some kind of counseling/psychology endeavor a try. In a word, it's fascinating.

More an observation than a hypothesis, this quote from Long and Young was interesting:

"Althought divorce was unusual in the United States in past generations, life expectancy for both sexes was shorter than it is today. ''Til death do us part' was not as big a commitment in early 1900s as it is today. As life expectancy increased and societal expectations shifted, a new mode of marriage emerged based on intimacy, companionship, and cooperation, rather than solely on duty and responsibility."

The authors go on to speak of how "equality and choice are central tenets of modern marriage; with the freedom of choice in mate selection, friendship, love, and passion emerged as powerful ingredients in couple formation." (9) In other words, the idea of "marrying for love" has, in the past 100 years, been the motivation for tying the nuptial knot, and "this change reflects a basic change in society over the century. The women's movement, economic stress, childbearing at a later age, and increased career opportunities have influenced people's choices about when and how to become a couple." (10)

None of this may seem particularly earth-shattering in terms of new thinking about marriage, but I would argue that the emphasis on love and and passion of the past 100 years has certainly informed evangelical Christianity's take on marriage. Granted, we (hopefully) stress the ideas of life-long commitment and loyalty to our spouse, but the "marrying for love" theme sure seems more prevalent in current books, online matching services, and marriage seminars and retreats.

Sadly, the result seems to be the infamously-equal divorce rate (now somewhere between 50% and 65%, depending on who you talk to/read) that we share with the rest of the world.

Leaving, Cleaving

I (very) briefly researched the topic of twenty-somethings and whether, when, and how they tend to leave or cleave in marriage, as living at home and marrying later seems all the rage among twenty- and even thirty-somethings in our 21st century American culture.

From my own observation, it seems 30 is the new 20. Traditional expectations that a person will seek and experience an increasing degree of independence (physically, emotionally, financially) from his or her parents and “leave and cleave” to another similarly-aged person in marriage in one’s early-to-mid twenties have greatly shifted to one’s mid-to-late twenties and even beyond.

It’s as if adolescence (defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as “the period following the onset of puberty during which a young person develops from a child into an adult” ) has been put on hold…or at least stretched a great deal from its normally-thought-of parameters.

Part of this stretching of adolescence (itself a non-existent delineation before the twentieth century) stems from not treating young adults as, well, adults. According to a 2003 study by the National Opinion Research Center, most Americans today don't consider a person an adult until age 26, or until she or he has finished school, landed a full-time job, and begun to raise a family.

This phenomenon leads to (or is it the result of?) what researcher Pamela Paul calls “permaparenting,” the most blatant manifestation of which is the phenomenon of boomerang kids. According to the 2000 census, 4 million people between the ages of 25 and 34 live with their folks. And yet, as Francis K. Goldscheider writes:

“Much of the research literature views nest leaving by young adults primarily as a normal life course transition. In particular, early departure from the parental home long before marriage has been treated as a beneficial response to the long-term growth in economic resources-a response that increases privacy for adjacent generations. The link between being an adult and residential independence has reinforced the sense that anything that speeds the process is beneficial. Even as a response to problematic relationships that result from changes in family structure, young people's early leaving has been interpreted as the result of the earlier development of ‘a sense of self as separate from family, thus making it easier for children to initiate the transition to independence.’”

If twenty- and even thirty-year-olds are still living with their parents, odds are they’re not getting married and learning to leave and cleave in marriage. And if they’re not getting married and learning to leave and cleave in marriage, odds are they’re missing one of the better and effective means of God’s sanctification for them.

That's It?

Overheard this afternoon, just after naptime:

Katie (4 1/2): "Mommy, why did you marry Daddy?"

Megan: "Because he asked me to."

That's it? That's all? Guess it's a good thing I was first (and fastest) in line.

Wuv, Mawiage

One class I'm definitely going to enjoy this semester is Marriage and Family Counseling with Dr. Dan Zink. While there's a fair amount of reading, it's manageable (not to mention highly applicable...ahem), and I thought I might let you in a little bit of the processing I'm doing in the midst of my prep for the class.

Here are some quotes (along with a few of my thoughts to tie them together) as to what men might need to overcome if they want to get (and stay) happily married:

From Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard and Sharon Phillips:

"When a woman enters a dating relationship, she mainly needs to be protected from the sins of the very man to whom she is offering her heart. The enemy that men need to stand up to is the one who lives within themselves: the one who is selfish, insensitive, and uncommitted. It is when that man is put to death the woman will be safe and will be blessed in the relationship." (72)

This quote brings to mind Proverbs 4:23: "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." While I was well aware of the danger within me in the form of the lust of the flesh when Megan and I were dating/courting, I'm not sure I was that convinced I could be selfish, insensitive, and (the hardest one to imagine at the time) uncommitted toward her. Ten years of marriage, however, has made me a believer as to my potential in these areas, but thankfully they have also been a wake-up call to deal with it.

In Peter Scazzero's book, The Emotionally Healthy Church, I took the informal "Emotional/Spiritual Health Inventory" (as found on pages 60-66, or take it online here). Apparently, I'm an official "emotional adolescent" (as opposed to an emotional infant, child, or adult), the definition of which means that,

"Like a physical adolescent, I know the right ways I should behave in order to 'fit in' mature, adult society. I can feel threatened and alarmed inside when I am offered constructive criticism, quickly becoming defensive. I subconsciously keep records on the love I give out, so I can ask for something in return at a later time. When I am in conflict, I might admit some fault in the matter, but I will insist on demonstrating the guilt of the other party, proving why they are more to blame. Because of my commitment to self-survival, I have trouble really listening to another person's pain, disappointments, or needs without becoming preoccupied with myself."

Granted, while much of this is true of me to a degree, the results aren't quite as accurate as I might on a bad day believe; in fact, in a few categories (digging below the surface, overcoming the power of the past, living in brokenness), I actually scored on the low end of adulthood, which, when you really think about it, isn't too bad for a 35-year-old.

From William J. Doherty's Take Back Your Marriage (a book that, despite its cheeseball title and cover, is not written from a Christian perspective, but oozes much truth in its analysis):

"I am in consumer mode when I fail to look at my own limitations, when I continually compare my spouse or marriage to my fantasies of other relationships, when I confuse my desires with my needs, when I lose the distinction between behavior that is is completely unacceptable (such as physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, emotional cruelty, and chronic lying) and behavior that bothers me or saddens me (such as a spouse not giving me enough affection or emotional support, working excessive hours, showing lack of sexual interest, or having certain unlikable personality characteristics). The consumer attitude turns marital disappointments into marital tragedies and constructive efforts for improvement into entitled demands for change." (38-39)

It's interesting how God has dealt with me concerning some of these specifics in the past few years. However, it wasn't until reading Doherty that I see them as symptoms of an overshadowing condition of consumerism rather than just a random assortment of sins and selfishness. I've never thought of myself as much of a consumer in areas of finances, goods, or other such benefits, but I certainly am one when it comes to ideals and desires, especially when they're of my own creating.